2009

My Wish for You in 2009
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success and may happiness slap you across the face.
May your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had forget your home address!
In simple words . . . May 2009 be the best year of your life!!!
Quote from Twisted Sisterhood website

Friendship....

A friend is someone
who listens and cares;
A friend is someone
who 's always there;
A friend brings happiness
that can warm and mend
I am glad that
I can call you friend;
A lot of people have entered and left my life
but one thing remained true;
I've never met a single soul
who has toucheed my heart like you
Thank you for being a friend...
Poem off Twisted Sisterhood Website...

The Funeral...

No matter how much you think you are prepared for a funeral, fate smacks you in the face to let you know you had no friggin idea. Dec 22nd was the toughest day of my life to date. Friends and family all around, yet it felt like I was all alone struggling to get through the funeral of my mom. The lost empty feeling was so strong and so much to bear. My dad next to me trying to put on a brave face, but even he felt the difficulty of the day. How do you really say goodbye to someone that has been so much a part of your life..how do you really accept the fact that she is gone? To see the picture of her up there and the flowers all around it, took my breath away. Such an overwhelming and helpless feeling. All the kind words, and the caring people were no consolation on a day like this. All I wanted to do was run out of there and get away. The urge was so strong and it was hard to try and make it through it all. Terrible day and terrible holiday. Merry fucking Xmas. How do you enjoy a holiday when you lose your mom/wife two days before? It's just not possible. Not only that, but then you are expected to go on with normal day to day life. Yeah right...

Death...

"Death leaves a heartache that no one can heal, but love leaves a memory that no one can steal." Quote on a sympathy card I got from a friend....

The Call..

It came at 2:30 in the morning. As soon as she realized the phone was ringing and looked at the time on the clock, she knew what it was. Her brother's voice on the other end said mom was gone. They had been expecting the call for a few days. Ever since the home told them she had become non responsive. Basically wasn't responding to anything so she couldn't be fed. No feeding tube that was her request. It was just a matter of time. 6 days later and the call came. Part of her said thank goodness. She isn't suffering anymore. The other part of her was hurting inside. Even though she had time to prepare for the call it didn't make it any easier. She lay there, feeling sort of numb, and feeling like she had just been kicked in the gut. Her mind was racing and she tried to slow it down. Her heart was doing weird things and she felt anxiety. Relax...breathe....deep breath's and slow things down. It felt like forever but she finally was able to calm down and eventually fell back to sleep.

The Call Before "The Call"...

She could tell the minute her brother spoke. Gone was the usual joking and smartass voice. Instead it was serious and cold. He had gotten a call from the nursing home. Mom is nonresponsive to them today. The hospice nurse doesn't think she will make it through the week. Even though she had imagined getting a call like this, it still didn't make it any easier. It still hit her like a ton of bricks. The senses weren't dulled at all by the fact she knew it was coming. Just as "the call" when it comes in the next few days won't be any easier.

Grief...

"Grief is selfish because it is all about you. It's about you needing and missing that person who has gone. And you don't just lose them. You lose the person you were with them; those jokes and moments and that side of your personality theybrought out. Your body collapses because part of you has gone." Quote from author Anna McPartlin-book Pack up the Moon."
How true that quote is. My situation is a perfect example. My mom isn't really living and it would be better for her if she weren't, but I don't want that. I don't want to have to deal with the death, the grief and the process. Selfish but true.

It Never Fails...

The minute you admit that things feel better and that you can actually enjoy a day or two in a row; reality kicks you in the ass. Some sick joke from above. A phone call from dad...who got a call from the nurse..she's not eating well, she's down to 119 pounds, has a slight fever and she's extremely agitated. Not eating isn't good...a fever isn't good....I try to tell him that maybe it's just a bad day and she will start eating well again. But he can't get past the thought of her not eating, and dwindling away. Laying there, no feeding tube as was her wish, but having to watch that and think about her slowly starving her body to death? Well the thought just rips us both apart as we talk about it. Borrowed time couldn't me more true. Just when you think you may have more, you get proven wrong. That's what a person get's for thinking and actually hoping. Hope gets you nowhere but disappointed....A sad fact that she managed to forget for a brief period of "borrowed time."

Borrowed Time...

Borrowed time is a crazy thing....you are thankful for it in a way, but know that eventually it will end. It can lull you into a fall sense of calmness. Some days even seem normal. The diagnosis hasn't changed, but knowing today isn't the day, creates a reprieve of sorts. One day leads to the next, and before you know it a week has gone by and nothing bad has been brought to your attention. Another week of borrowed time. Even though you still think about her every day, when nothing bad happens, it can be pushed back in your mind. Never far from the surface, but just far enough where some normalcy can happen for a bit. Even though you like the feeling of it, the feeling of guilt tries to ruin it. Sometimes it succeeds. And sometimes you fail, and the normalcy you feel disappears and the borrowed time becomes less and less. Hearing things that remind you of just how dismal the situation is shocks you back to reality. Tears remind you that as nice as the borrowed time felt, that's really all it is...."borrowed time."

Easier said than done.....

"I believe the toughest part of life is living in the moment. Letting go of the past, believing in the future and having faith in our hearts. My biggest on going regret is not living in the moment. I find myself searching for answers to questions that can only be answered in a life time of experience, I find myself searching my mind for answers to questions that should have passed on with the time. Its a day to day struggle and nothing ever seems to be consistent. Letting go of everything seems to be the biggest struggle, keeping the faith that things will work out the way they need to and trust that what works out is best for you. When I think of following my heart I think of letting everything go and living just in that simple moment in time, like a photograph, frozen for that one day, taking it one click at a time. I regret this week in time. I've spent it in the past, I've spent it dreaming of hope in the future, and I've appreciated nothing that stands right in front of me. I don't want to continue on like this." Quote by Eiehua....
But how can you not? Too many things don't make sense and aren't fair. I question why things happen. How people can just have a blind faith about things and truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I am not one of those people. Even though I wish I was so easily swayed into just believing in blind faith. It just doesn't add up to me.

Missing the sun already...

It is only Dec 2nd and I am already missing the sun. It makes a person feel so much better. The warmth of it just makes things seem not quite as bad. Even though they really don't change, the sun improves a person's overall feel. It would be nice to get to the point where a winter vacation every year could be feasible. A break from the cold, and a break from reality, even if just for a bit. How nice that would be.

My Xmas Tree....

I always wanted to spend the holidays someplace warm, like the caribbean etc..So this year I thought I would bring it to me since I can't go there. A Xmas palm tree. If only I could get the warm weather and sand here too! :)

I love palm trees, always have. I think they are a fascination with us Midwesterners because we don't have em up here.

"He" could be subsituted with "she".....

" He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, h a p p y. And during the course of each day his h e a r t would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled; alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his lonliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over. I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or convince others - the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad.
Because his life had unlimited potentional for hapiness He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of the bed and each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad." From the book "Everything is Illuminated"...Jonathan Safran Foer.

Happy Birthday Kel......

This post today is in honor of my best friend Kelle. Happy birthday to ya babe! This is one great person. She means the world to me and life is so much better because she is a part of mine. Thanks for being "my person" and for putting up with me. She deserves a metal just for that alone:) I have no idea what I did to deserve her but I am glad I did it whatever it was. I am thankful every day for our friendship! I love you!!!!

The same feeling....

Everytime she talked to her dad on the phone and he said, "the nursing home called today"...well her heart just sank. Is this the day? It can't be. She wasn't ready, but of course she would never be ready. Tonight was no different. She called her dad and he said "the nursing home called today". But the difference was her dad saying the same thing she has thought over and over lately. He said his stomach hurts everytime he hears it is the nursing home on the other end of the call. He too feels the same. Hoping it isn't THE call....dreading THE call.....scared as hell of THE call. She knew EXACTLY what he was feeling....

Fall pic...

Driving back from the lake and this mailbox caught my eye. The colors and flowers seemed to form a great back drop for it.

Hot Tub....

I had never been in a hot tub that was outside until this past weekend. Wow what a difference. I thought I liked them indoors, but outside is just so much better. Unbelievable. The air was cool but it felt refreshing, and you have the ability to stay in the tub much longer. For those few minutes it was as if all was right with the world and no problems existed. It was so nice.....
Thanks Bro for the use of the hot tub!

Hospice...

When her dad said the word hospice, it felt like her stomach dropped down to her ankles. She knew her mom's condition had been going progressively downhill, but hospice? It couldn't be. We were to have a call with the nursing home and a nurse from hospice. Trying to not get of herself wasn't working. How could you not get ahead of yourself when you hear that word? On the call, the nursing home coordinator explained her mom's deteriorating condition. They consider her in the final stages, which means she has entered into the dimensia stage. Along with that comes loss of appetite, loss of ability to talk, and loss of weight. Hospice was being brought in as an additional layer of care for her mom. In the final stage, additional care and additional knowledge is necessary to adequately care for her mom. It wasn't like she was on her death bed at this time, BUT she was in the final stage. To the daughter it not only meant final stage of the disgusting disease, but it meant the final stage in her mother's life. Man that was hard to think, and even harder to admit. Part of her wanted it over so that her mom wouldn't have to suffer anymore, she really wasn't living anyway, but the selfish part of her didn't want her to leave yet. The finality of it scared the hell out of her. This coming from a girl who hates the thought of ANY funerals let alone a funeral of a loved one. She gets anxiety even going to an acquaintance's funeral. Nobody likes them but her body has difficulty physically handling them. If that happens at regular funerals, how could she possibly make it through the funeral of her mother. A woman she loved so dearly, and would miss so very much. Then there was her dad. He deserved to have his daughter by his side, and she felt guilty for wishing she didn't have to be. Picking out caskets, tombstone's, writing an obituary? How were people suppose to do this stuff? It just doesn't seem possible, and more than that, how can it be expected of a family? She just wanted to run away when it happened. Run as far away as she could. It's not right to expect so much of people. She would only disappoint, she knew that. She would fail. She deals with things alone, in her own way and in her own time. Being on public display and having to deal with a loss in front of people just wasn't her way. But what could she do? It was her mom. The thought of people dropping by with food, talking about her mother, and extending their sympathy? All the calls, all the cards, all the visits? That just isn't her. But her dad would find comfort in things like that, whereas she wouldn't. We were so alike in certain ways, but also very different in other's. The last thing she wants to do is not be there for him, but it is so far out of her character..how was she going to do it?

Funny how one word can lead a person to snowball their thoughts and before you know it they have rolled down a hill and formed one big avalanch!

All from one word....

Bucket List............

Ever since the movie, there has been a lot of talk about "bucket lists". Quite a concept and there has been some talk from people I know that they may create one, and some even have one. Hmmmmm interesting. I don't have one, but should I make one? If so would I actually work to check items off the bucket list? Or would it just be a list? Kind of like the list I created titled "things to do before I turn 30." Piece of paper with things on it but I never really did anything with. So do I try it again? And if so what do I put on it? It would be interesting to me to hear some of the things that people put on their lists. Feel free to share if you want to. I will do the same............IF I decide to create one!:)

The struggle continues...

Everytime she thought she was making some progress, the reality of it all would smack her across her face. The next slap was her mom's birthday party. 81 years old and getting worse every day. Alz was doing one hell of a job on her that's for sure. It kept taking day by day more and more of the woman she knew as her mother. Hardly able to walk on her own anymore, she was confined to a chair. She would fuss and fidgit; her legs wanting to move and walk, but the mind not capable of telling the muscles what to do. The confusion was getting worse. She says things that make no sense, and has troubles finishing her thoughts. Communicating with her was getting all but impossible to do. This really bothered her as she had always looked forward to the conversations she had with her mother. Always positive and always bubbly. That lady seemed so far away now as she looked at the lady in the chair. The resemblence was there but the disease had taken the bubbly and positive attitude and squashed it like a bug.
She managed to keep it together during the party, mainly by keeping busy handing out cake and ice cream. She also kept her distance from the mother she so desperately wished she could help. It was just too hard to look at her and see her struggle and not lose it. The tears held inside until she got outside the nursing home. Then they fell out of her eyes and onto her cheeks. Crying uncontrollably and asking why why why. She would never understand, and just can't get a grip on accepting this horrible thing. But she had to figure out a way.

It will get easier....

That's what everyone kept telling her..."It will get easier." But that wasn't the truth. It was getting harder and harder. She couldn't even keep the tears inside now until she left the nursing home. She had no control over the emotion that flowed from her each time she went there. So the visits became less and less. It was just unbearable and she hated the thought that her tears may upset her mom even more than she already was. The phone calls were easier but it was becoming harder and harder to communicate with her mom on the phone. Alzheimer's was winning. And to hear those occassions where her mom cried? It just tore her apart. Just like someone had opened up her heart and stepped on it over and over again.
How was she ever going to get a grip?......
How was she ever going to control the tears?........
How was she ever going to accept the unchangeable truth?.....
How was she ever going to understand why?........
Life just isn't fair and it isn't right that good people suffer such sick, twisted fates?.....
And we are just suppose to accept and move on? How can that be?
I don't understand.....and it's not right or fair...
Her Dad was fighting his own battle. The good news was few and far between. They were do for some good news. She just felt so helpless. The two most important people in her life and she was just powerless. Could only watch and suffer along with them. Life shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't be so crappy. People work hard their whole lives, bust their ass, do everything that is asked of them and this is the thanks they get when they get older? You can't tell me that's fair. You can't tell me it will get easier......................

Summer...

The summer goes so fast here in the midwest. There is just not enough time to enjoy the nice weather. Before you know it the summer is over. I like having all four seasons. I just wish they were a little more evenly proportioned. Summer definitely get's the short end of the stick. I tried my hand at camping this year for the first time. I went out with my brother and his wife. It was actually VERY cool. I had my doubts. But I liked it and would definitely do it again. I will have to post a pic of my high profile tent! ha-It was the dwarf of the campground and people thought it was for our dog, but hey who cares. It was cheap, and I like it!

It Can't Be Happening.....

She just kept rubbing her eyes hoping it was all a bad dream. But it wasn't. Her dad was in the hopital and it wasn't going to be a quick fix. There before her stood a mother who missed her husband and caregiver and was worried. This woman who use to be so independent and strong, was now a shadow of her former self. Alheimer's had taken that woman away forever. She was now scared, needy and unsure about everything. Four long days went by. The daughter hardly slept, not really realizing the stuff her father had dealt with the last few years. Not that it was the mother's fault, but this woman was very needy and unable to do alot of things on her own. Tears came to her eyes as she thought about it but she had to push them aside as to not worry the mother. She had to get back to work, but who was going to take care of mom? How were they going to get through this? Even if dad recovers, he probably won't be able to take care of her on his own anymore. That realization had ben coming, the family knew it. But how can a family put a mother in a home? The thought made her sick to her stomach.
The decision had to be made. At least until it was determined how dad was going to be. He needed time to take care of himself for a change. She couldn't bring herself to do it so her brother and his wife did the deed.
The first visit was miserable. How sad to see all those people there with nothing really to look forward to. She met her mom's eyes at that point and the tears flowed from both of them. Confused and scared the mother was looking to the daughter for some sense of this whole mess. But she had none. All she could do was try to comfort her as best she could. It was hard to put one foot in front of the other as it was time to leave. In one aspect she didn't want to go, but in another aspect she wanted to run as fast as she could and never return. How was she going to be able to visit regularily? It zapped every ounce of energy out of her, and killed her to see her mother in a place like that. The staff was great and loved her mom but still. It just wasn't right. It just wasn't fair.

Get the itch? Scratch it.......

Everyone has something....something that they just love to do. Mine is golf. I love it. When I get that first sense of spring, I just get the itch. BIG TIME! The weather here has been nice enough to give you feeling that spring is just around the corner, but not nice enough yet where you can go the range and hit a bucket of balls. Saturday the itch was so bad that I drove 100 miles just to hit a bucket of balls in a golf dome. And you know what? It was worth every mile and every dollar I spent in gas. The best part? When it is something that you love so much, you don't really even have to justify it in your head. Well I don't at least. HA. No justification needed. The first time you hear that ping of the driver as it hits the ball? Well it doesn't get much better than that! So my advice for the day? If you have an itch, scratch it!

The Question.....

She felt her heart sink as the question was asked. Talking to her mom on the phone was getting increasingly harder and harder. But tonight? Tonight was the culmination of all her fears about the dreaded disease her mom has. For tonight the she was asked if the man in the house was dad. She listened as her mom described her fear and displayed her uncertainty over the man standing before her. The daughter fought back the tears as she tried to compose herself and calm her mother's fears and concern. "Yes that is dad" the daughter said. The sound of relief in the mother's voice was undeniable. Even though her brain wouldn't let her recognize him fully, she trusted her daughter and what she was saying. She cried tears of relief and just kept thanking the daughter over and over again for telling her that. She needed to hear that and was scared of her inability to recognize him. The daughter held it together long enough to hang up the phone somehow. Then the sadness, frustration and confusion overcame her.
What a terrible disease and a terrible way to see a woman that use to be so amazing and special. The doubts about everything she has been told to believe in and the faith people are suppose to have? That makes no sense. How can this sort of sick thing be allowed to take over a person like this. IF.....well she couldn't say it but she thought it. She doubted everything and she didn't understand how if there really is a........uff..she just couldn't bring herself to say it. Because surely if there was, this sort of thing wouldn't be happening would it?

Amazing Slide Show....

Awesome pictures in this slide show from Webshots.
http://www.webshots.com/collections/winnerscircle/slideshow.html