Hospice...

When her dad said the word hospice, it felt like her stomach dropped down to her ankles. She knew her mom's condition had been going progressively downhill, but hospice? It couldn't be. We were to have a call with the nursing home and a nurse from hospice. Trying to not get of herself wasn't working. How could you not get ahead of yourself when you hear that word? On the call, the nursing home coordinator explained her mom's deteriorating condition. They consider her in the final stages, which means she has entered into the dimensia stage. Along with that comes loss of appetite, loss of ability to talk, and loss of weight. Hospice was being brought in as an additional layer of care for her mom. In the final stage, additional care and additional knowledge is necessary to adequately care for her mom. It wasn't like she was on her death bed at this time, BUT she was in the final stage. To the daughter it not only meant final stage of the disgusting disease, but it meant the final stage in her mother's life. Man that was hard to think, and even harder to admit. Part of her wanted it over so that her mom wouldn't have to suffer anymore, she really wasn't living anyway, but the selfish part of her didn't want her to leave yet. The finality of it scared the hell out of her. This coming from a girl who hates the thought of ANY funerals let alone a funeral of a loved one. She gets anxiety even going to an acquaintance's funeral. Nobody likes them but her body has difficulty physically handling them. If that happens at regular funerals, how could she possibly make it through the funeral of her mother. A woman she loved so dearly, and would miss so very much. Then there was her dad. He deserved to have his daughter by his side, and she felt guilty for wishing she didn't have to be. Picking out caskets, tombstone's, writing an obituary? How were people suppose to do this stuff? It just doesn't seem possible, and more than that, how can it be expected of a family? She just wanted to run away when it happened. Run as far away as she could. It's not right to expect so much of people. She would only disappoint, she knew that. She would fail. She deals with things alone, in her own way and in her own time. Being on public display and having to deal with a loss in front of people just wasn't her way. But what could she do? It was her mom. The thought of people dropping by with food, talking about her mother, and extending their sympathy? All the calls, all the cards, all the visits? That just isn't her. But her dad would find comfort in things like that, whereas she wouldn't. We were so alike in certain ways, but also very different in other's. The last thing she wants to do is not be there for him, but it is so far out of her character..how was she going to do it?

Funny how one word can lead a person to snowball their thoughts and before you know it they have rolled down a hill and formed one big avalanch!

All from one word....