Time Will Tell.....

She woke up, rolled over as she has done so many times over the last few years, expecting him to be there only to remember that he wasn't. She continued to lay in bed, lost in her own thoughts. Would she ever be able to let anyone into her heart ever again? Does she want to? Can she ever get past the pain and hurt to allow that to happen? Or is the door shut forever? Maybe some things are just better left alone. One thing she knew was that even though it has been over 2 years, the hurt, the pain, and the disappointment were still so much a part of her life. She can't imagine opening herself up to that sort of pain ever again. Why risk being made a fool of again?
She dreams of the possibility. Having someone that you feel so connected to, someone who you can't imagine living without. Someone who is there for you whenever you need them, and even when you don't. Someone to laugh with, cry with, and plan your future with.
Then she realizes that she had that, and that no matter how much you think it is forever, there are no guarantees. All the promises and commitments in the world don't mean shit. Cuz they can change on a dime. The reality of it hits her again, and the possibility is gone. So, for now, she continues to go through her days, feeling as little as she can, and depending on no one but herself. The thoughts of possiblities, hopes and dreams are gone.
The door is definitely closed again.....

Oh yeah...

This is my newfound love. The Hydromassage bed. I am addicted. It is awesome. I have never been able to get myself to go to and get a massage. I just feel too self conscious I think and would have trouble relaxing while they were doing it. I'd be worrying about what fat roll was hanging out etc. So when I heard the ad on the radio about this, I thought why not. Well I love it. Two thumbs up!!!

Eating Trends...

It is so interesting to me to see myself and my eating habits. I am one of those people who gets addicted to something and then I eat it all the time until I get sick of it.. My latest is Stove Top Stuffing. I love that shit... YUMMY! I am probably going on about 2 months now where I have it about 3 times a week. That handy dandy "single serving" container that they have now is COOL. For one person like myself, it is just too easy and too convenient. Chicken is my favorite. What do I have with it? Well last night was probably my all time low. I had hotdogs with it. ha . Two ball park franks...no buns... Sounds like a weird combination.. but damn good!
Usually I will have a grilled cheese sandwich with it, or a chicken breast or something...but not last night... just me, two ball parks, and stuffing... ha

Happy Birthday...

It's my X's birthday today. Why, after everything that has happened, and all the time that has passed, why do I still feel the need to call and wish him a happy birthday?? Why, why, why??? I just don't get it. Actually I do. I spent 14 years of my life with this man, and even though he ended it, I still feel things for him. I miss being a part of his daily life. I wish I didn't, but I do. Just because he didn't want to be a part of my daily life doesn't mean that I can just feel the same way. To be a part of a person's everyday life for that long is so significant. Someday's I still feel like a part of me is missing. I don't know if you ever get over that. I sure hope so, cuz I don't like the feeling. Well since I probably won't allow myself to call him, Happy Birthday Dave.

Boring...

I realize how boring my blog is. I have been reading a lot of other blogs and boy there are some interesting, whitty, and funny people out there. That's why I haven't written lately. I have been trying to come up with something original, or wait for something exciting to happen in my life. ha... I could be waiting a long time for that to happen. :) Well since that isn't going to happen I guess I will just have to continue writing anyway. I do like to get my thoughts down and although they may not be glamorous or exciting, and mainly depressing, they are my thoughts none the less.

Christmas Lights...

It is so interesting to me to drive around this time of year and look at people's christmas lights. Some people are so meticulous. There is a specific plan, and it looks so organized and nice. Everything coordinates, and the colors all make sense. Then you get those people who have no method to their madness. Lights are anywhere and everywhere. Anywhere they can attach them there they are. Looks like they had some sort of moment of insanity and just went crazy....Some of these houses could light up the whole street. It's funny to me in a way. Bless them for being in the Christmas spirit I guess, but wow...
Me? Well I am not really a Christmas spirit person, but I do have a string of lights up around the frame of my house, and a few of the lighted christmas trees in my yard.

Grey's Anatomy Rules...

I love this show. I never was a big "ER" fan so I didn't expect to really like this one either. I just tuned in because of Patrick D. I have always liked him and his acting. I love the characters in this show. All unique but all interesting; and even a little quirky. I use to be a HUGE Ally McBeal fan too because of that same reason. I miss that show that's for sure. Can't even get any of the season's on DVD or VHS either. I wish they would put them out. They do for every other show. Anyway, for now, Grey's Anatomy is filling the bill. Hopefully they continue to keep it offbeat, and interesting.

Mom...

My dad has been mentioning over the last year that mom is getting sort of forgetful. I can't say I didn't immediately thinks Alzheimer's cuz I did. But it seemed sort of hit and miss and not very bad. Over the course of the last year that has gotten a little worse according to my dad. I have seen small signs of it but don't see her very often so I have to go by what he says. Well mom and dad were up here today and he said that he snuck a visit with her doctor and they are giving her some medication to hopefully help with that. He said, unfortunately, that it could very well be the beginning signs or stages of Alzheimer's. When dad told me that I wanted to puke. What a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have always thought that was the saddest disease EVER. How sad of a way for the person and their family to spend years of their lives. Dad said the medicine seems to be helping and that the last few weeks she has been sort of her old self. God I hope so. I honestly don't know that I can handle it if it gets bad like some people. Or my dad. Uff I feel sorry for him too. He isn't in the best of health himself and now he has to keep an eye on her and worry about that. He has to make sure she takes her medicine PLUS he has to take his own. All we can hope for is that it never gets to that stage where she doesn't even recognize her own family. How sad for people to have to go through that. I will never understand why life has to be so cruel sometimes. It just isn't fair. You would think there could be a more dignified and nicer way to age. Getting old just sucks and it sucks for the kids too who have to watch these people that they have looked up to and respected for so many years, suddenly deteriorate right before your eyes. I hate it. I just hate it.
Then there is the cost of these pills. Mom and dad are just getting by. Medicine isn't cheap. I hate to see them struggle with finances. I can help some, but I am not rich my any means. Wish I was. Dad told me a few stories about mom and I just got tears in my eyes thinking about them. She needs this medicine. I can only imagine how scary that is to feel like you are losing your mind. She has cried and everything in front of him and she doesn't do that. Even dad said that he can't remember the last time he saw mom cry. Uff it just makes me sick.
Then the paranoid side of me can't help but think if it's hereditary? Will I get it too one day?
Another thing. Is it just me or does it seem just when you are starting to get your shit together and finally starting to feel somewhat ok with things, that's when something bad happens. Never fails. Not that I was close to being my old self, but I have seen some real improvement as of late, and just when you have some "good" days, BAMM...something has to hit you. I just don't understand so many things about life. I hate the struggle. Well gee...I guess that is enough "happy thoughts" for one day.

Thanksgiving...

Well I would have to say I had one of the best Thanksgiving's that I have had in a long time. Holiday's just aren't my thing anymore. When I was a kid I loved them. That has changed over the years. Now I would just as soon stay home and have a quiet day to myself. Which is what I had this year. How nice to just relax, do whatever you want, and not have to worry about the whole thing. I did what I wanted and took things at my own pace. It was nice.
Mom and dad said not to worry about driving to my brother's so I didn't. I had a big day the next day so they said just to relax and prepare for the big shopping day. My friend and I go on a shopping trip every year as sort of our Xmas presents to each other. What a good time we had. I love spending the day together like that and doing whatever we want. It was great. We shopped til we dropped basically. Long day but totally fun. I love spending time with her.
I get a 4 day weekend too which is great. Sure does go fast though. I could get use to those types of weekends. Did a lot of decorating for Xmas which I haven't done in years. Just haven't felt like it. The last few years have been a struggle to say the least. I started doing it just to appease a few friends, but as I am doing it I realize that I do like doing stuff like that. My place isn't looking too bad if I do say so myself.

Divorce...

I think my parents did a good job raising us. They were good to us, taught us right from wrong, taught us values, respect etc. So why is it that 3 out of the 5 of their kids are divorced? Makes no sense. My parents are still married, and they were good parents. Is it just rotten luck? Or is there something more to it? They have statistics on everything you can imagine. I wonder if there is any statistics on ratio of divorce per family? Can it be that there is some parenthood training mechanism that my parents missed giving us? :)
Or is the divorce ratio higher amongst people from small rural towns vs people raised in large cities? Interesting to ponder. Granted sometime you just marry the wrong person. I understand that. But for the rest is there some link to how or where a person grew up?
I often think maybe they (my parents) were too perfect. Maybe we didn't see enough bad stuff or enough of the marital issues that exist. Maybe we didn't know how to handle it when it got bad? They never fought.. Hardly at all.
Don't get me wrong, I am in no way, shape or form saying that my parents are the reason for the divorces. It is just weird to me that 3 of us (me included) are divorced. We are good people, and were brought up to be that way.
Divorce is so prevelant nowadays. It amazes me. If you just look at the number of people you know and do a quick head count of how many are divorced or have been divorced, the number is probably close to 60%. That is amazing to me. How sad.
Maybe society is more accepting of divorce now and people just don't try as hard as they use to. Maybe they just take the easy way out.
When all is said and done, maybe there is no logic or reasoning for it. Maybe it's just as I said...A sad thing.....no reason for it, just sad.

Happy Birthday!!!

Happy Birthday to the friend who is the subject of my previous post titled "Best Friends." Happy Birthday Kel!!!! I Love you!!!!!!

Best Friends...

A best friend; everyone should have one. What a truly beautiful thing. I have one. She's the one that got me to join the fitness center. The ONLY one that could have gotten me to join the fitness center. :) We both work at the same company. I can't imagine my life without her in it. She has been a blessing over the last few years. I hope I have helped her as much as she has helped me getting through this thing called life. I have had friends over the years, and I thought I really understood what it meant to have a "best friend". Truth is I had no clue. This is by far the most significant friendship I have ever had. I don't usually let people in, but she has gotten in. She is probably the only one I have let see certain sides of me, and certain feelings. The good, the bad and the u-g-l-y so to speak. I keep those things bottled up usually. It's just easier that way, or so I thought. But to trust someone that much that you are not afraid to show them that stuff? Well that is an incredible feeling. I have shut off a lot of things lately. I refuse to open up and allow another man in, cuz it is just too hard getting hurt. Most people would say that is no way to live, and they are probably right, but I have lived the life of getting hurt and that is no way to live either. Anyway, back to subject of this post. Best friends.... Love comes and goes, family comes and goes, but best friends are forever. If you are lucky enough to have one, hold on tight, and do whatever you can to make that friendship last. If you do, it will be one of the most rewarding things that you can do.

Elliptical Hell???

Ok I have to reiterate that I really do enjoy going to the fitness center now that I have actually given it a chance. But that elliptical machine? Kicks my ass. Wow what a workout. Like my friend Kelle said, "she has a love/hate relationship with it." It's totally true. I hate every minute I am on the damn thing, but what a workout. You can feel it killing the fat muscles. ha-
Nice stroll on the treadmill, quiet ride on the bike, and then POW the elliptical takes over.
I have been pretty faithful in going though, and I must admit I do feel better. That's all that matters I guess.

I would have never guessed...

Well as I stated in an earlier post, I joined a fitness center. So much different than anything I would ever do. I can't ever have imagined that I would do something like that. And even better than that? I like it... wow. Would have never guessed that. It actually has been fun. I joined with my friend and it has been a great way for us to spend some additional time together. I always enjoy my time with her and I guess this is just more proof of that. To say that I enjoy working out, well that just proves to me how much I enjoy our friendship. Who knows maybe I will even get in some sort of shape. That would be nice too. Provided I don't die from it first. ha :)

This is one of my favorites. I was so excited when it turned out so good. 

Photography..

One thing I really started getting hooked on is taking pictures. So I may post a few up here from time to time. It is one thing I really enjoy.

I saw him...

Well I saw my "ex" today. I knew he was dating someone, but I don't think it quite sinks in until you SEE them together. I saw him first, and didn't focus on who he was with at first. I felt this ache in the pit of my stomach. Shit I hate that feeling. It makes me feel so vulnerable and so weak. Once I realized it was him, then of course I had to check her out. She wasn't what I expected. Of course they never are I guess. Anyway, they didn't see me but I saw them. I wandered around the store for a while, trying to get my things I needed, but also trying to not run into them again. I made it, until it was time to check out. There they were. I again saw him but he didn't see me...at first... Then I think he saw me but I wasn't looking at him. Out of the corner of my eye I think he was looking at me, but only for a brief moment. Then he turned away. Life can be so awkward sometimes. Here is this man that I spend 14 years of my life with, and now we can't even look at each other in a store? I felt weird about it all afternoon. You can just never prepare yourself I guess for stuff like that. I knew it was bound to happen, and was surprised it hasn't happened sooner. But you just can't handle situations like that with grace and dignity. I was all flustered, and hurt, and upset about it. What the heck does she have that I don't have? Not that he left me for her or anything, but you can't help but wonder what the person that they end up dating gives them that you didn't or couldn't. It sucks to feel that way.

Fall '04 

Join a Fitness Center? Me?

When my friend mentioned to me that she wanted to join a fitness center and she wanted me to join with her, I thought she was crazy. Me? No way. I don't exercise well. I get all red in the face, and I am so damn out of shape. What a site I must be. Nope that is the kind of stuff I have always done in the privacy of my own home. But I've never been able to stick to a routine. I am good for a few weeks, and then I lose interest.
Well my friend really wanted to join, and really wanted me to go on "this journey" with her. So I said yes, reluctantly. The center is right across from work, we can go straight from work, and put in our time and then go home. Very convenient, and partially sponsored by my place of employment. All the signs were telling me to give it a try and make a friend happy. So we went for the first time last night. And you know what? It wasn't that bad. I didn't die of embarrassment, and I lived to tell about it. If the truth be known, I actually sort of enjoyed it. So maybe the journey won't be hers alone, maybe it will be my journey too. Time will tell I guess. I always get gung ho about things right off the bat, but keeping the interest is the key. I did enjoy it though, and it felt good to work out. Maybe this time will be different since I have someone else going through it with me? Hope so.

Weekends...

Why do weekends go so fast? Man it seems like it just started and it's already over. I feel like I was just walking out of the office at 5:00 on a Friday afternoon, and now I am on the verge of another Monday morning already. I think the perfect work to weekend ratio would be 4 work days and 3 days off. That would be ideal for me. I always need a day to do nothing, and day to get my "stuff" done, and then another day to do anything fun or do stuff for others. 2 days just isn't enough. I need to have my nothing day. I love that day. I am a napper, and a relaxer. I like to have a day to devote just to that.
Time change this weekend too. Another hour of sleep. Gotta love that.

The day that changed everything...

I remember it as vividly as if it were just yesterday. I'll never forget that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to puke. In fact I did; many times over the next few days. You could have knocked me over with a feather. After 13 1/2 years of marriage, I heard the words "I am not sure what I want anymore." Wow. I had no idea. Things were a little different than they had been but I just thought it was because of all the changes. Buying a new place, busting ass to get a garage up etc.. There are no words to adequately describe that feeling. I felt as if the rug had been ripped out from underneath me. I felt so empty, so hurt, and so blown away. What went wrong? What did I do? All these things were just pouring into my head. His words, "it's not you, it's me" just didn't mean anything to me. It didn't make it any better, and I didn't even know if I could believe that. Hearing things like this from a person that I totally loved, trusted and thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with? It just wasn't possible. Was this a wicked nightmare, or some sick joke? I hoped it was, but it wasn't. Not by a long shot. Unfortunately this was VERY real. What will I do, where will I go, what will we do with the house we just bought, and how was I going to make it on my own? So many thoughts running around in my head and no answers to be found. Without a doubt this time was the roughest time in my life. I had never felt so alone, so scared, and so low. I just could figure out what happened. I had to have done something wrong. Or maybe it was another woman? He swears to this day that it was "no" to both of these theories. I just couldn't understand, and to this day 2 years later, I still don't understand. I never will I guess. Talk about a major blow to a person's ego. I felt like such a loser. How could I not keep him happy enough? How could I have let this happen? I felt like giving up on life and just throwing in the towel. I remember saying many times, " I can't see how it can ever get that bad that a person just wants to give up." Well I stand corrected now because I can see how it can happen. Very easily. I think I have been at the lowest point I have ever experienced by far. I didn't care if I got out of bed, or went to work or talked with people. I became a hermit. I just didn't want to deal with the outside world. Why bother? People just hurt or disappoint you anyway. Sure it takes some longer than others, but eventually they let you down. The only person you can rely on is yourself. I totally felt that way and to some extent still do feel that way. I am not an optimist, I am a pessimist. It's just easier that way, then you don't get let down. In fact sometimes you get pleasantly surprised. But you are never caught off guard if you think the way that I do. So two years later, am I any better? Yes I guess I am. Do I still feel the way I felt? Yes I do. I don't think I will ever trust another person that much. I just can't allow myself to. It's too hard to try and survive after something like that. I can honestly say there are times I didn't think I was going to make it and a lot of times I didn't want to make it. My eyes have been opened and I am no longer someone who thinks there is a happily ever after. I don't believe in fairy tale endings and I am not the hopeless romantic I use to be. I just can't allow myself to be. It is too painful. Life is full of pain and in between you do have some good times, but the pain is what wears you down, and takes it toll. It's a struggle, and I will never rely on someone else like I did ever again. It's too painful when they let you down.

I have a blog...

Cool. I have a blog. Now if I could only figure out what to do with it. ha-everyone is talking about "blogging" so I told myself I am going to get one. So here it is. Time will tell what it will become, if anything. All that matters is that if someone asks if I have one I can say YES I do.