2009

My Wish for You in 2009
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success and may happiness slap you across the face.
May your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had forget your home address!
In simple words . . . May 2009 be the best year of your life!!!
Quote from Twisted Sisterhood website

Friendship....

A friend is someone
who listens and cares;
A friend is someone
who 's always there;
A friend brings happiness
that can warm and mend
I am glad that
I can call you friend;
A lot of people have entered and left my life
but one thing remained true;
I've never met a single soul
who has toucheed my heart like you
Thank you for being a friend...
Poem off Twisted Sisterhood Website...

The Funeral...

No matter how much you think you are prepared for a funeral, fate smacks you in the face to let you know you had no friggin idea. Dec 22nd was the toughest day of my life to date. Friends and family all around, yet it felt like I was all alone struggling to get through the funeral of my mom. The lost empty feeling was so strong and so much to bear. My dad next to me trying to put on a brave face, but even he felt the difficulty of the day. How do you really say goodbye to someone that has been so much a part of your life..how do you really accept the fact that she is gone? To see the picture of her up there and the flowers all around it, took my breath away. Such an overwhelming and helpless feeling. All the kind words, and the caring people were no consolation on a day like this. All I wanted to do was run out of there and get away. The urge was so strong and it was hard to try and make it through it all. Terrible day and terrible holiday. Merry fucking Xmas. How do you enjoy a holiday when you lose your mom/wife two days before? It's just not possible. Not only that, but then you are expected to go on with normal day to day life. Yeah right...

Death...

"Death leaves a heartache that no one can heal, but love leaves a memory that no one can steal." Quote on a sympathy card I got from a friend....

The Call..

It came at 2:30 in the morning. As soon as she realized the phone was ringing and looked at the time on the clock, she knew what it was. Her brother's voice on the other end said mom was gone. They had been expecting the call for a few days. Ever since the home told them she had become non responsive. Basically wasn't responding to anything so she couldn't be fed. No feeding tube that was her request. It was just a matter of time. 6 days later and the call came. Part of her said thank goodness. She isn't suffering anymore. The other part of her was hurting inside. Even though she had time to prepare for the call it didn't make it any easier. She lay there, feeling sort of numb, and feeling like she had just been kicked in the gut. Her mind was racing and she tried to slow it down. Her heart was doing weird things and she felt anxiety. Relax...breathe....deep breath's and slow things down. It felt like forever but she finally was able to calm down and eventually fell back to sleep.

The Call Before "The Call"...

She could tell the minute her brother spoke. Gone was the usual joking and smartass voice. Instead it was serious and cold. He had gotten a call from the nursing home. Mom is nonresponsive to them today. The hospice nurse doesn't think she will make it through the week. Even though she had imagined getting a call like this, it still didn't make it any easier. It still hit her like a ton of bricks. The senses weren't dulled at all by the fact she knew it was coming. Just as "the call" when it comes in the next few days won't be any easier.

Grief...

"Grief is selfish because it is all about you. It's about you needing and missing that person who has gone. And you don't just lose them. You lose the person you were with them; those jokes and moments and that side of your personality theybrought out. Your body collapses because part of you has gone." Quote from author Anna McPartlin-book Pack up the Moon."
How true that quote is. My situation is a perfect example. My mom isn't really living and it would be better for her if she weren't, but I don't want that. I don't want to have to deal with the death, the grief and the process. Selfish but true.

It Never Fails...

The minute you admit that things feel better and that you can actually enjoy a day or two in a row; reality kicks you in the ass. Some sick joke from above. A phone call from dad...who got a call from the nurse..she's not eating well, she's down to 119 pounds, has a slight fever and she's extremely agitated. Not eating isn't good...a fever isn't good....I try to tell him that maybe it's just a bad day and she will start eating well again. But he can't get past the thought of her not eating, and dwindling away. Laying there, no feeding tube as was her wish, but having to watch that and think about her slowly starving her body to death? Well the thought just rips us both apart as we talk about it. Borrowed time couldn't me more true. Just when you think you may have more, you get proven wrong. That's what a person get's for thinking and actually hoping. Hope gets you nowhere but disappointed....A sad fact that she managed to forget for a brief period of "borrowed time."

Borrowed Time...

Borrowed time is a crazy thing....you are thankful for it in a way, but know that eventually it will end. It can lull you into a fall sense of calmness. Some days even seem normal. The diagnosis hasn't changed, but knowing today isn't the day, creates a reprieve of sorts. One day leads to the next, and before you know it a week has gone by and nothing bad has been brought to your attention. Another week of borrowed time. Even though you still think about her every day, when nothing bad happens, it can be pushed back in your mind. Never far from the surface, but just far enough where some normalcy can happen for a bit. Even though you like the feeling of it, the feeling of guilt tries to ruin it. Sometimes it succeeds. And sometimes you fail, and the normalcy you feel disappears and the borrowed time becomes less and less. Hearing things that remind you of just how dismal the situation is shocks you back to reality. Tears remind you that as nice as the borrowed time felt, that's really all it is...."borrowed time."

Easier said than done.....

"I believe the toughest part of life is living in the moment. Letting go of the past, believing in the future and having faith in our hearts. My biggest on going regret is not living in the moment. I find myself searching for answers to questions that can only be answered in a life time of experience, I find myself searching my mind for answers to questions that should have passed on with the time. Its a day to day struggle and nothing ever seems to be consistent. Letting go of everything seems to be the biggest struggle, keeping the faith that things will work out the way they need to and trust that what works out is best for you. When I think of following my heart I think of letting everything go and living just in that simple moment in time, like a photograph, frozen for that one day, taking it one click at a time. I regret this week in time. I've spent it in the past, I've spent it dreaming of hope in the future, and I've appreciated nothing that stands right in front of me. I don't want to continue on like this." Quote by Eiehua....
But how can you not? Too many things don't make sense and aren't fair. I question why things happen. How people can just have a blind faith about things and truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I am not one of those people. Even though I wish I was so easily swayed into just believing in blind faith. It just doesn't add up to me.

Missing the sun already...

It is only Dec 2nd and I am already missing the sun. It makes a person feel so much better. The warmth of it just makes things seem not quite as bad. Even though they really don't change, the sun improves a person's overall feel. It would be nice to get to the point where a winter vacation every year could be feasible. A break from the cold, and a break from reality, even if just for a bit. How nice that would be.