The day that changed everything...

I remember it as vividly as if it were just yesterday. I'll never forget that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to puke. In fact I did; many times over the next few days. You could have knocked me over with a feather. After 13 1/2 years of marriage, I heard the words "I am not sure what I want anymore." Wow. I had no idea. Things were a little different than they had been but I just thought it was because of all the changes. Buying a new place, busting ass to get a garage up etc.. There are no words to adequately describe that feeling. I felt as if the rug had been ripped out from underneath me. I felt so empty, so hurt, and so blown away. What went wrong? What did I do? All these things were just pouring into my head. His words, "it's not you, it's me" just didn't mean anything to me. It didn't make it any better, and I didn't even know if I could believe that. Hearing things like this from a person that I totally loved, trusted and thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with? It just wasn't possible. Was this a wicked nightmare, or some sick joke? I hoped it was, but it wasn't. Not by a long shot. Unfortunately this was VERY real. What will I do, where will I go, what will we do with the house we just bought, and how was I going to make it on my own? So many thoughts running around in my head and no answers to be found. Without a doubt this time was the roughest time in my life. I had never felt so alone, so scared, and so low. I just could figure out what happened. I had to have done something wrong. Or maybe it was another woman? He swears to this day that it was "no" to both of these theories. I just couldn't understand, and to this day 2 years later, I still don't understand. I never will I guess. Talk about a major blow to a person's ego. I felt like such a loser. How could I not keep him happy enough? How could I have let this happen? I felt like giving up on life and just throwing in the towel. I remember saying many times, " I can't see how it can ever get that bad that a person just wants to give up." Well I stand corrected now because I can see how it can happen. Very easily. I think I have been at the lowest point I have ever experienced by far. I didn't care if I got out of bed, or went to work or talked with people. I became a hermit. I just didn't want to deal with the outside world. Why bother? People just hurt or disappoint you anyway. Sure it takes some longer than others, but eventually they let you down. The only person you can rely on is yourself. I totally felt that way and to some extent still do feel that way. I am not an optimist, I am a pessimist. It's just easier that way, then you don't get let down. In fact sometimes you get pleasantly surprised. But you are never caught off guard if you think the way that I do. So two years later, am I any better? Yes I guess I am. Do I still feel the way I felt? Yes I do. I don't think I will ever trust another person that much. I just can't allow myself to. It's too hard to try and survive after something like that. I can honestly say there are times I didn't think I was going to make it and a lot of times I didn't want to make it. My eyes have been opened and I am no longer someone who thinks there is a happily ever after. I don't believe in fairy tale endings and I am not the hopeless romantic I use to be. I just can't allow myself to be. It is too painful. Life is full of pain and in between you do have some good times, but the pain is what wears you down, and takes it toll. It's a struggle, and I will never rely on someone else like I did ever again. It's too painful when they let you down.